Body of Lies

I keep waiting for Laura to post something, but I promised her NO PRESSURE (ha ha right) and I know she's in a writing funk, so okay....

I have been on a "diet" of sorts for almost 3 weeks now. I know other people have great success on this program, basically you just take supplements and fat burners and try to eat less. Exercise is a good idea, but I need baby-er steps than that. So I've been pretty dedicated to taking this stuff...I won't name the name because of those other people who have had success, I don't want to ruin it by saying, "IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!"

Maybe it's working? I put on my new jeans -which are FABULOUS jeans by the way, the Style & Co. tummy control jeans from Macy's. I will never buy another pant! These are amazing for those of use who have that "middle" issue. Anyway, I put them on and they weren't as snug as usual. So while my poundage isn't really going down, maybe inches are? Hmm...shouldn't complain.

And on that topic, those "grandma underwear" that are sported by Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones' Diary - those don't work. That's like bringing a sling shot to a tank fight with me. Just because they sewed extra fabric in the front does not mean they will have some sort of super power in roping the extra 5 lbs of mom-fat in and somehow distributing it into a natural looking shape on your body. So for the record:

DOES NOT WORK

DOES WORK

I have a funny story about my girdle that works. I've had this thing for about 15 years, I probably bought it for my wedding, it's been that long. Sometimes when I just don't have the energy to hold in my own fat, I put it on.

So I was going to an all-day function at my daughter's school. It was one of THOSE days, nothing fit, I felt fat and gross, so I pulled old bessy out of hiding. It had been awhile since I'd used her.

I put her on, she was snug but that was her job. About 1/4 into the day's activities my heart starts racing and I get a pain in my jaw. My first instinct is that email that floats around about how the symptoms of a heart attack for women are different than men - and I was having ALL OF THEY SYMPTOMS!! Great, here I am at my daughter's school. I'm starting to sweat along with the jaw pain and racing heart. I'm having a heart attack.

Well, there's just NO WAY I'm letting the emergency workers find me wearing my under-armour, so I excuse myself to the restroom and slip bessie off and discreetly tuck her...somewhere, I don't even remember. She has enforcement and doesn't fold well.

Amazingly after removing my super force girdle, my heart attack stopped. It was that very sad moment that I realized I needed a BIGGER GIRDLE!!! Or a diet.

So here I am.