Bus Stop Blues

Okay, riding the bus in high school is not something that anyone looks forward to. Either you drove, or you had a friend pick you up. That was cool.

Well, before I had my license I, of course, rode the bus. I always hated the first couple days of school for this reason. We lived at an intersection. The school always told me to wait for the bus that came down the highway instead of the side road--wrong.

Well, two years in a row I stood on the side of the highway...the bus would come...and ZOOM...the bus would go. Leaving me there on the side of the busy highway with my school bag, looking like a complete idiot.

So I'd go tell my Mom what happened. She'd call the bus garage and yell at them, then drive me to school. When I got to school the other kids from the bus would make fun of me.

I'm surprised with all of my high school trauma that I came out reasonably sane.

Gettin' Hammered

I must be some sort of sicko because I'm posting this in the "That's Hilarious" file--but it's really very disturbing.

When I was about nine I was helping my mom put up a wall. My one task was to pound a nail into the ceiling. So, with all of my might, I swung the hammer...missed the wall...and pounded my mom right square in the forehead. She grabbed her forehead and was very obviously stunned, not to mention the likely pain that ensued.

Now, I think that I must have watched way too many episodes of Loony Toons or Tom & Jerry, because I started laughing hysterically. I couldn't even stand up. And in cartoon fashion, my mom sprouted a giant purple knot on her forehead that she sported for the next couple weeks.

We've retold this story many times, and each time (including now) I find myself laughing. And when my mom remembers it she shudders--she laughs too--but mostly she shudders.

Isn't that horrible??

A Brow Beating

In high school my friend Michelle was always trusting me, I don't know why. We (okay, probably me) decided that she needed her eyebrows plucked, and I offered to do it for her. Well, after the first couple of plucks she totally wimped out, she said it hurt too much. So I had a brilliant idea! I got out the Nair (probably in our drawer for 10 years) and carefully applied it to her extra eyebrow hairs, disregarding all warnings on the bottle to keep it away from your eyes.

As we were waiting the designated amount of time, she started complaining that her eyebrows were burning. Now, considering she was wimpy about pulling a couple hairs out, I said "Stick your head out the window you big baby!" I thought the cold winter air would help. (I know...dumb!)

So when the timer went off, we wiped off Michelle's unwanted hair, as well as some not-so-unwanted eyebrow skin. Oops!

As if high school isn't intimidating enough, poor Michelle walked around the next week with scabs under her eyebrows, courtesy of yours truly. Though I will say she did do a fairly decent camoflauge job with the blue eyeshadow.

Poor Michelle. No wonder I hardly have any friends!!

Chopsticks

Laura and I were at the mall with our kids. We were in the food court deciding where to eat. I chose Edo, it's one of my all time favorites.

So I order and as the gal is cooking my food there's a guy standing near the register leaning against the wall. He was chatting with the cashier. Now let me just describe him:

He's about 50, slicked back gray hair, black leather bomber jacket with zippers, very obviously a smoker because he had yellow teeth...some missing. He's about 6' tall and weighs about 140 lbs. Scrawny.

So that's my first impression and he hasn't said a word. Oh, and he's leaning against the wall like he's in a Calvin Klein underwear commercial.

So I'm making my way to the register, pulling out my cash to pay, and this conversation ensues...WAIT...I have to also add here that Creepy Pete had a voice that did not match his persona, he looked like a biker burn-out and sounded like a drag queen...I mean flamboyant. (STOP IT! I'm not insulting anyone, just painting the picture.....sheesh! Gimme a break!) So, onto the conversation...

HIM: (real creepy like) "You know how they make money dontcha?"

ME: (politely) "Um, with linen."

HIM: (alluringly) "...and"

ME: (irritated) "and ink"

HIM: (alluringly) "...and"

ME: (giving up) "No idea."

ANYWAY...he opens up his wallet, with his really long and creepy fingernails, and pulls out a big wad of neatly folded cash and kind of shuffles it--so I can see that there is a lot there--then he reached down and grabs his pant leg (wearing jeans) and shakes it around.

I'm thinking...what the HECK is this guy doing?? And he says "denim".Okay, of course I'm SO fascinated by this guy's knowledge of money. All I want to do is run far and fast, and eat my dang Teriyaki Chicken! But he's pulling out all the stops. He reaches in his inside coat pocket (at this point I think he's probably going to stab me) and pulls out a set of chopsticks. And they are FANCY chopsticks with seashell inlay! Then he grabs a set of wooden ones from the bin and says, somewhat offended, "I NEVER use these..." and he waves his fancy sticks around and says "They gave me these special because I eat here EVERY DAY!"

By this time I'm chewing my own leg off to be released from the freak trap, but realized I needed to have compassion--probably for him--but instead for the poor people at Edo that get to hang out everyday with the man that I will always refer to as "Chopsticks."

Geriatric Gropers

Today I was in the grocery store at the checkout line--completely tuckered out. I had Emily in the cart and I was carrying Joe in a sling. Now, Joe is 7 months old and about 21 pounds, so I think I looked the way I felt. I was exhausted!

There was an elderly lady behind me in one of those electric scooter carts, with a permanent grimace--but friendly--and she looked at Joe and said "WHAT are you FEEDING him?!?!" and before I had a chance to say anything she grabbed her boob, shook it around and gave me a devious look, as if to say "Is this your secret weapon?"

It was SO funny, she didn't even crack a smile while bouncing her boob about. Then I yes, "Yeah, that's what I feed him!" and she says, "Ahhh, Jersey cow."

It was great!

On a side note, what is it about old ladies and boobs? Just a couple weeks ago I gave my Grandma a hug and she reached up and grabbed my boob, bounced it, and kind of giggled. ??? I know its the Altzheimers, but good grief! I just laughed...cute little Grandma.

Whaaat??

Awhile back I was reading some magazine and in it, it talked about how celebrities are “going green”.

Do me a favor. Go Google this topic: “Jennifer Aniston 3 minute shower” - there are 115,000+ posts about how Jennifer Aniston is doing her part to save the planet by taking quick showers. Favorable? Sure, why not.

Firstly, I think global warming is a farce. I have proof, but that’s another topic. I respect those who are manic about being green, because really, it’s a beneficial habit regardless of what you believe. I recycle by the way.

Digression: Overall, we’re not trying to save the earth. We’re trying to save ourselves. If for some reason we all go extinct because Mama earth just couldn’t hack our sinful ways, then what happens? We go extinct…and who’s holding the ball? You got it, the big ball herself. Doesn’t matter what we do, she’ll still be here. Kind of a funny twist on “saving the earth”, right?

So back to Jennifer’s 3-minute wash-ups. So we Googled the shower topic….now let’s Google this one (I haven’t done it yet): Jennifer Aniston vacation. Here are some excerpts:

• Jennifer Aniston relaxed in a bikini while on vacation in Mexico
• Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox vacation in Hawaii
• Jennifer Aniston And John Mayer’s European Vacation

You get the picture. Let me also add that I have nothing against Jennifer Aniston, it was the 3 minute shower that caught my attention, not necessarily who was taking said shower. Like I care.

The last time I went on vacation it was to Seattle, WA. Not too exciting, especially since I already live in Washington state. And it was the first “getaway” we’ve had since our kids started making their way into the world over 7 years ago. Pathetic, maybe. Realistic, I’d like to think so.

So on the topic of showers, I get a little sensitive I guess. When I take a shower, I stand there until the water gets cold. I turn the heat up to scalding, close the door and just stand there.

Sometimes I even sit on the built-in bench. For me, THAT is my vacation. The water drowns out the sound of screaming children, Ultimate Fighting Championships on TV, and whatever else may be going on in the real world.

For that 20-30 minutes I don’t have to think or do a thing. I endulge is some of the magnificent offerings found at Allizon.com, sugar scrubs and bathtime yummies.

So am I destroying the planet with my too-long shower? Probably, but certainly no more than the exhaust from a private jet headed to Hawaii.

Prince Albert in a Can

This may be only funny to me - but you can all pretend to laugh.

It started last Tuesday, about 1:00 in the morning we a get a phone call. Luke answers and he's all confused, then he hangs up. He looks at me puzzled and said, "Prince Albert in a can??" And I said, "Oh - prank phone call -- you know? Better let him out?"

That was that, went back to bed. Let me mention here though that middle of the night prank phone calls are NOT funny when you have a family member who is ill and you're always afraid that those calls are "the" call.

ANYWAY...I digress.

Thursday, midday, I get a call. "Hello?" I say.

"Hi" says the post-pubescent boy at the other end as if he knows me.

"Hi." I say, assuming wrong number. I don't know any teen boys.

Him: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Me: Do you even know what Prince Albert in a can is?

Him: (pause) No.

Me: Well, maybe you should find out before you start calling people and asking if they have it.

Him: What is it?

Me: I'm not telling you, but you may just be embarrassed if you knew what it was and you're asking strangers if they have it. Why don't you go look it up and call me back when you jknow what it is.

Him: Okay, bye.

*** At this point I'm laughing. It was pretty funny. But then I realize I don't know what Prince Albert in a can is - so I call my mom quick-like. I thought it was sardines or something - she says its tobacco. PHONE RINGS ***

Me: Hello?

Him: We found out what it is.

Me: It's tobacco. (like I knew all along)

Him: Tobasco?

Me: No, tobacco.

Him: What's that?

Me: I'm old enough to know what tobacco is, apparently you're not.

Him: How old are you?

Me: Old.

Him: Well, maybe we're college boys. (HA!!)

Me: If you were college boys you'd know what tobacco was. Now, if you don't mind, I have three kids to take care of so please find a new number to call - okay?

Him: Okay. (humbled)

*********

That was it - it was pretty funny. Pathetic really. Then I called the phone company and asked how to activate the private call rejection thing (*77 on Qwest if you wondered). So, that's that. It was comical, but I should have yelled at him for scaring the crap out of us a few days before. That's not funny.